sorry it has been so long.

i had been going through about two weeks of torture. ben had a horrible rash on his bum. it took the doc 2 weeks to finally perscribe something to make it go away!

but i have been having more and more problems with him throwing tantrums. i mean screaming. we thought it was because of his diaper rash, but now that it is gone there is no reason. i think his sensory issues and not being able to communicate effectivly is getting to him. i feel for the little guy. i also feel that sometimes i am the only one who understands him. wich is hard because it makes me feel like i should be with him all the time to explain to others what he wants or needs. really i just wish he would take to me. sit down look at me and speak. tell me what the heck he is looking at all the time.

thanks for all of the comments. i'm glad you guys understand where i am coming from.  i think i am going to change my dev. pedi. i feel like i have been sugesting  things and then she will think it is a good idea. i mean who is the doc here, me or her. so now i feel like i am starting over. i'm sure there will be a waiting list.

on a good note....ben said bye- bye da today. i was so excited i praised and praised him. but i know not to get my hopes up because he does things like this and then will say nothing for months.  but for a moment i fealt so good. like he is getting better and soon he will be talking my ear off.  someday.........

sometimes i hate other kids. i know it sounds bad, but when i hear about what they are saying or doing i get a sick angry feeling inside. i was talking on the phone with my girlfriend and she was telling me what phrases her 18 month old is saying.  and i was like ya that's nice. really i was thinking i hate her! my son is 2 1/2 and has no words. well he does spontaneously say thaings and shocks us all and then the next day nothing! so does this make me a bad person or just a regular mom with a kid with asd? i also this week found myself balling my eyes out as i was looking at ben's baby pictures. he was so happy and now i can't even get him to look at the camera.

also,i am constantly having nightmares and anxiety about getting my daughters mmr shot in a few months. i really don't know what to do. i saw on the new that there was 66 cases of the measle's this year sand i don't want her to get that either! i'm really at a cross road.

so i have never had a blog before. but i think maybe this is healthy and refreshing at the same time. i sometimes feel sick when i think about ben's future. ben is my two yearold son, who was diagnosed with autism about 4 months ago. funny now he is getting a lot of services and i have yet to see a real improvement. in fact in some areas i think he is worse. in my mind i thought that once ben started getting treatment he would magicaly start talking and be fine. it wasn't until recently when i started to realize that this was him for the rest of his life. and maybe he won't ever talk to me and maybe he won't ever move out. i laugh because i really thought that he was going to just "poof" be better. but now i am not so sure. i take things day by day and i try not to think about what will happen tomorrow. but i'll tell you one thing i keep repeating to myself is "god will only give you what you can handle".